so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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