I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
