Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
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