I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Randomize
