Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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