i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
