Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
