If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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