I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize