I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
