i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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