Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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