Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
