i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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