this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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