just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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