would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
