I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
