Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
