I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
