we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
