It's like God shit irony all over that family
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
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It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
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He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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