Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
