i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
