Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
