i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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