One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
