Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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