Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
