Define "chronic" masturbator.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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