Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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