Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
