I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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