I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
