turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize