you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
