My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
