HIV tests are more positive than that guy
apparently the secret to your success is patron
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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