Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
