I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
