I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
i need some magic done to my vagina
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
