so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I wish there were birth control emojis
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
