i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
