Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
