Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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