If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
