Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
