I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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