today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
