god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
