if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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