we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
