i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
