I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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